Why Do We Fear Loneliness?
Loneliness, as explored in this text, is the absence of love and the fear of being unloved. It is a state in which one lacks the affection and companionship of others, leading to a profound sense of solitude. This fear stems from the understanding that humans are not designed to live devoid of love and connection. In fact, to sustain a completely solitary existence, one must resort to fabricating the presence of another, akin to the protagonist in the movie “Cast Away” who invents the character “Wilson” to preserve their sanity.
Our inherent human nature necessitates relationships and interdependence. This concept is eloquently captured by Professor Pedro Juan Viladrich in his book “Anthropology of Love” (2018) (regrettably, not available in English), published by the University of Piura in Peru. He refers to it as “the spousal structure of the person,” emphasizing that our fundamental makeup involves being oriented toward others.
Being alone forces an individual to confront their existence in isolation, without external support. Although not entirely impossible, this predicament is distressing and evokes a sense of terror. Philosopher Martin Heidegger delves into this topic in his work “Being and Time.” He elucidates how the human being, known as Dasein, faces the challenge of navigating life’s journey without companionship. Dasein assumes the role of the architect of their own destiny, striving for an abstract sense of self-completion. As Jean-Yves Lacoste explains, Dasein neither loves nor is loved, finding solace in interactions with the world and objects rather than through interpersonal connections. The destiny of a human being, according to Heidegger, is not determined by others.
The orphan best exemplifies the archetype of loneliness, as parents serve as our primary source of love and affection. The fear of loneliness, as mentioned previously, arises from the dread of abandonment and the absence of such nurturing figures. Numerous studies conducted by doctors and scientists on hospitalized children have demonstrated pessimistic outcomes for orphans compared to those with mothers. Orphaned children exhibit a significantly higher propensity for developing mental imbalances, neurosis, or pathological personalities. René Spitz’s seminal book, “The Cardinal Virtues,” extensively covers his findings from working with children up to 18 months of age in a hospital setting.
In essence, loneliness stands in stark contrast to love, rather than hatred.
But what does it mean to be loved, and how does it impact our existence? To be loved is to be uplifted in one’s being. Uttering the words “I love you” to another person signifies, “I am content because you exist; your presence gives my life meaning.” The epitome of this love manifests through parental affection, as they provide the foundation for us to develop our existential potential in the world.
Enduring loneliness aligns with the essence of Dasein, where one must bear the weight of their existence alone, akin to Sisyphus persistently pushing his rock uphill. We alone can manifest a “fulfilling” life by pursuing our chosen projects, but this fulfillment remains hollow and abstract. We may feel “complete” yet unfulfilled, whole but abandoned by others.
Existence is not just about existing with or alongside others, but fundamentally existing-for-others, as asserted in various ways by the French philosopher Emmanuel Levinas. We are “beings-for-others” before we are self-sufficient. The biological self-sufficiency of our organism is not enough for the fulfillment of existence because the biographical history of the human animal is not reduced to the mere passing of time. The mere passage of time has no intrinsic meaning. The human being is a living being whose existence extends far beyond the development of mere psycho-biological and material life. Even developing the possibilities of our existence through self-care and interaction with things, such as developing an identity, holds almost frivolous significance compared to directing our biography towards affirming the life of the other.
To live without being loved is a futile task when it is solely about developing my human capacities and the possibilities of my freedom. Ultimately, true freedom acquires its value in the fact that through it, I can liberate others and make them feel like integral parts of my project. Living a fulfilling life in which we are loved and affirmed in our existence, that is, accompanied, is to live a life whose meaning passes originally through liberating others before myself.
